Às vezes penso que fomos invadidos por um bando de alienígenas hipsters enviados de alhures com a missão de exterminar nossos prazeres gastronômicos mais elementares. Desde que a galera diferentona chegou, não se consegue mais comer coxinha, pizza, pastel, brigadeiro, pipoca, churrasquinho de gato, nem tomar a merecidíssima cerveja de sexta-feira sem ter que explicar porque preferimos o básico e não a versão “com valor agregado” da coisa. Tudo bem que uma variaçãozinha no trivial de vez em quando é bem-vinda. O que não dá é para sofrer bullying ostensivo só porque na sua bacia de pipoca tem apenas a própria, sal e os indefectíveis e necessários peruás. Sim, comer as pipocas inteiras depressa e deixar os peruás para quem está ao lado é parte do ritual antropológico que envolve assistir uma série de TV acompanhado. Qualquer ser gregário sabe como é.

Claro que também gosto de Nutella, limão siciliano, churros, leite Ninho, paçoca, trufa e mais um caminhão de coisas. Mas, dá licença, na minha pipoca só vai sal. Concessão única para a bola de pipoca com xarope de groselha que comíamos naqueles tempos proterozoicos em que eram vendidas em carrinhos. Mas aquela nunca aprendi a fazer.

Inventaram agora também que a nossa sacrossanta breja nada mais é do que suco de milho. Beleza, adoro o sabor de uma IPA fabricada com todo o esmero artesanal. Só que ela não orna com as duas guiazinhas sem lei que escoltam a jornada cervejeira do final de semana: a abrideira e a fechadeira. Experimentem tomar uma dose de cachaça com o tal do “suco de milho”. Depois façam o mesmo com cerveja artesanal. Digam se é implicância minha.

Até aqui, tudo ia bem. Com algum esforço, ainda é possível administrar a patrulha empreendida pelo Tribunal do Gosto, cuja matriz fica na internet e as filiais, espalhadas pelos milímetros quadrados do planeta. Mas aí foram bulir com o sanduba. Logo ele, tão simplório, tão eficiente, cumpridor do inestimável dever de matar a fome, acessível a todos, amigo dos notívagos, onipresente nas esquinas boêmias. Resolveram abusar, só porque ele é inclusivo, sendo às vezes até chamado de XTudo. Resumo da ópera: estão colocando ingredientes bizarros nos pobres, batizando-os com nomes de famosos – acrescidos de ‘s no final para denotar um pertencimento fake, e enclausurando-os em lugares insólitos denominados “hamburguerias”, onde – pasmem! – come-se sanduíche com garfo e faca.

Não dá mais. É chegado o momento de reagir. Ou fazemos alguma coisa ou vamos testemunhar a extinção da espécie. Vamos nos unir em defesa dos velhos e bons sandubões da madruga, mesmo daqueles de aspecto um pouco suspeito, mas quase sempre inofensivos.

Definitivamente: fiquem longe do meu podrão!!!!!

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