Há dois meses, uma cataplana reluzente enfeitava nossa cozinha. Trouxemos a peça de uma viagem a Lisboa e estávamos doidos para inaugurá-la. De um lado, a família fez ouvidos moucos aos incessantes pedidos de ajuda. De outro, não quisemos submeter os amigos a um lerê gastronômico, ainda que alguns deles tenham gentilmente se oferecido em sacrifício. Assim, num daqueles dois ou três dias do ano em que a vontade de cozinhar persiste mesmo depois de sentarmos no boteco e esperá-la passar, resolvemos estrear a panela na Semana Santa.

Nada é tão simples quanto parece, amigos. A saga teve início já na hora de comprar o bacalhau. Como é possível ao ser humano fazer uma escolha acertada diante de tantas opções? Cravar as dezenas da Mega-Sena é fichinha perto de tamanho desafio. Uma senhorinha piedosa, percebendo o desespero e a inabilidade culinária do casal, sugeriu que comprássemos postas já dessalgadas. Assim fizemos. Agradecendo à perspicácia daquela alma boa, partimos em busca dos demais ingredientes. Detalhe relevante é que estávamos sem a receita, peça que consideramos fundamental para fazer tudo diferente do que vem escrito nela. O jeito foi comprar o que nossa combalida memória lembrava conter nas receitas de bacalhau que comemos pela vida afora.

Chegando em casa, verificamos, atônitos, que 70% do que trouxemos não estava na receita e que deixamos de comprar os outros 30. Saímos em busca do que faltou, sem abrir mão do que havíamos acrescentado por conta própria, porque (sorry, periferia) nossa cozinha é autoral. Finalizamos as compras após quatro sucessivas idas ao supermercado. É que o mis-en-place foi regado a espumante e espumante estimula a criatividade. A cada gole, vinha uma nova ideia e, com ela, um novo ingrediente, e, com ele, outra ida no supermercado.

Terminamos a preparação introdutória com umas duas horas e meia dedicadas exclusivamente a retirar o raio da pele e da espinha do bacalhau. Ô coisa difícil, gente! O pior foi que, depois da odisseia, ficamos sabendo que JAMAIS se deve retirar a pele e a espinha do bacalhau antes de cozinhá-lo. Toínnnn! A nosso favor, diga-se ao menos que as postas ficaram lindas, branquinhas como neve.

Um problema superveniente se impôs: precisaríamos de umas três cataplanas para abrigar a quantidade de ingredientes picados. Forçoso admitir que, de fato, superdimensionamos um pouco esta parte da receita. Nada tema, com o Ops não há problema. Enchemos a cataplana até a tampa, enchemos também um pirex XXL em sua capacidade máxima e guardamos o restante na geladeira para pensar depois como aproveitar.


A partir daí – dizia a receita – era só deixar 15 minutos cozinhando em fogo médio. Como a definição de alto, médio e baixo não é muito precisa, resolvemos não correr risco e abrir a panela depois de 10 minutos, a fim de verificar o desenrolar dos acontecimentos. Foi aí que percebemos que alguma coisa estava fora da ordem mundial. De cabeça para baixo, para sermos mais precisos. A panela, virada ao contrário, com as travas encostadas na chama do fogão, não permitia que a abríssemos. Espertos que somos, tiramos a cataplana do fogo e levantamos as travas com uma luva térmica. Esta medida inteligente fez com que evitássemos a queimadura naquele momento, deixando que ela ocorresse só no instante subsequente.

Ao abrir a base da panela (que fazia as vezes de tampa), um jato de vapor cozinhou instantaneamente o úmero, rádio, cúbito e demais ossos do braço e antebraço de alguém, provocando um urro que ecoou além da Serra do Curral. Neste momento, pensamos seriamente em desistir da empreitada e correr para o restaurante português mais próximo. 10 minutos de água fria sobre a queimadura e um comprimido de analgésico foram suficientes para que a ideia fosse posta de lado. Sorte a nossa. Mais alguns minutos no fogo, atenção redobrada na hora de abrir a panela e finalmente nossa Cataplana de Bacalhau ficou pronta, majestosa e deliciosa. E põe deliciosa nisso. Missão cumprida. E comprida, tal e qual a Via Dolorosa até o Calvário numa Sexta Feira da Paixão.

Prometemos nos lembrar desta saga quando der vontade de cozinhar novamente.

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